Dealing with a narcissistic parent can be emotionally taxing and bewildering. And it can get worse when they don’t even bother calling you. So if you’re one of those people who scratching their heads and saying to themselves, “My narcissistic mother never calls me. What can I do?”, then this article’s for you.
In this comprehensive article, we will explore the complex dynamics of having a narcissistic mother, delve into possible reasons behind her lack of communication, and offer practical advice on how to navigate this challenging situation with compassion and self-care. So, if you’ve ever felt hurt, confused, or neglected by your narcissistic mother’s absence, read on for insights, strategies, and support to help you on your journey to healing and recovery.
Understanding Narcissistic Mothers
Understanding the complexities of a narcissistic mother is essential when trying to make sense of why she might not be reaching out to you. In this section, we’ll cover the basics – what narcissism is and how it manifests in parents.
Defining Narcissism
Narcissism, as a personality trait, involves an excessive preoccupation with oneself, one’s appearance, and a distinct lack of empathy for others. It exists on a spectrum, with milder narcissistic tendencies on one end and a more severe condition known as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) on the other.
Narcissists often display characteristics such as an inflated sense of self-importance, a constant craving for admiration, and a startling absence of empathy toward others. They may manipulate, exploit, or devalue those around them to uphold their fragile self-image.
How Narcissism Manifests in Parents
Understanding how narcissism manifests in parents is key to comprehending why your narcissistic mother might not be reaching out. Here, we explore the specific ways narcissism impacts parental behavior:
Using Children for Narcissistic Supply
Narcissistic parents often view their children as a source of narcissistic supply. They see their kids as an extension of themselves, existing solely to fulfill their emotional needs. In this context, a narcissistic mother might only contact you when she needs validation, attention, or admiration.
Prioritizing Their Image
Maintaining a positive image is paramount for narcissistic parents. They might involve themselves in your life when it serves to enhance their public perception as a caring and involved parent. However, this involvement can be superficial and short-lived.
Controlling and Manipulating
Narcissistic parents tend to be controlling and manipulative. They may pull you closer when they want something or when it suits their agenda, only to push you away when their needs are met or when they feel challenged.
Difficulty with Empathy
Empathy is a foreign concept to many narcissistic parents. They struggle to understand and relate to your emotions, often dismissing or trivializing your feelings. This emotional disconnect can lead to a lack of communication, especially when you need support.
Emotional Rollercoaster
Narcissistic parents can be emotionally unpredictable. Their moods and interactions can vary greatly, making it challenging to predict when or how they will reach out—or withdraw.
Common Traits and Behaviors of a Narcissistic Mother
Let’s explore some of the key traits and behaviors commonly associated with narcissistic mothers to gain insight into why your own might not be reaching out to you.
Overbearing and Controlling
Narcissistic mothers often exert an overbearing and controlling presence in their children’s lives. They may dictate how their children should live, what career choices to make, and even whom to associate with, all without considering their child’s autonomy or feelings.
Emotionally Unavailable
Emotional unavailability is a hallmark of narcissistic parents. They may struggle to provide the love, support, and emotional connection that their children need for healthy development. As a result, children of narcissistic mothers often grow up feeling emotionally neglected.
Demanding and Critical
These mothers tend to set impossibly high standards and are unrelentingly critical of their children’s achievements. No matter how well their children perform, it never seems to be enough to gain their approval or appreciation.
Abusive and Manipulative
In more extreme cases, narcissistic mothers resort to emotional, psychological, or even physical abuse to maintain control over their children. Manipulation is a common tactic used to keep their offspring in line with their expectations.
Neglectful
Paradoxically, narcissistic mothers can also be neglectful, showing little interest in their children’s needs and feelings. This neglect can manifest as indifference or as a way to punish their children for not meeting their demands.
Having Narcissistic Personality Disorder
For some, narcissistic traits escalate into a full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), intensifying these behaviors and making it even more challenging to maintain a healthy parent-child relationship.
Understanding these traits and behaviors is crucial not only for deciphering why your narcissistic mother may not be calling you but also for your own emotional healing and recovery.
In the following section, we’ll explore potential reasons behind her silence and offer guidance on how to navigate this challenging situation with compassion and self-care.
Exploring Possible Reasons “My Narcissistic Mother Never Calls Me”
#1. Seeking Narcissistic Supply
Narcissistic supply is the admiration, attention, and validation that narcissists crave to sustain their fragile self-esteem. Your mother might only reach out when she needs a boost of narcissistic supply. Once she receives it, she may withdraw until her ego requires another replenishment.
For example, she might call when she’s feeling down or needs to showcase her accomplishments, expecting you to provide the praise and admiration she craves. When she gets what she wants, she could disappear until the next time her self-esteem needs a lift.
#2. Exercising Control and Manipulation
Narcissistic individuals thrive on control and manipulation. Your mother might use silence as a means of manipulating your emotions or actions. She may withhold communication to make you feel guilty, anxious, or even desperate to please her.
Consider a scenario where you express a desire for independence or set boundaries. In response, your mother might go silent to make you doubt your decisions or question whether you’ve done something wrong. This manipulation is a way for her to maintain control over the relationship.
#3. Lack of Empathy
Empathy is a scarce commodity among narcissists. Your mother may struggle to understand or empathize with your emotions, making it difficult for her to reach out when you’re in need. Her lack of emotional connection can result in prolonged periods of silence.
For instance, if you’re going through a challenging time or facing a personal crisis, a narcissistic mother may not reach out because she cannot comprehend or genuinely respond to your emotional distress. Her inability to empathize leaves you feeling unheard and unsupported.
#4. Prioritizing Her Own Needs
Narcissistic individuals typically prioritize their own needs above others’. Your mother may only contact you when it directly benefits her, such as when she needs assistance, validation, or someone to cater to her demands. This is a common reason why a narcissistic mother ignores her responsibilities beyond simply not calling her adult children.
Imagine a situation where she requires your help, like moving or handling a personal crisis. She may call upon you, seemingly interested in your well-being, but as soon as her needs are met, her interest wanes, and she withdraws her communication.
#5. Fear of Vulnerability
Narcissists often harbor deep insecurities beneath their self-assured facade. They may avoid reaching out because it makes them feel vulnerable or exposes their own emotional needs, which they find threatening.
For instance, if you’re going through a tough time, your mother may avoid contacting you because it would mean acknowledging her own vulnerability and inability to provide the emotional support you need.
#6. Sudden Devaluation
Narcissists tend to idealize and devalue people in their lives, including their children. If your mother recently shifted from idealizing you to devaluing you, she might withdraw contact as a way to assert dominance and control.
This could happen if you’ve disagreed with her or asserted your independence. In response, she might devalue you, seeing you as a threat to her self-image. The silence that follows serves as a means to exert dominance and regain control.
#7. Distracted by Other Interests
Narcissistic individuals often prioritize their own pursuits and interests over maintaining relationships. Your mother may be preoccupied with other aspects of her life, diverting her attention away from communication with you.
In this case, she might become absorbed in her career, hobbies, or social life, leaving little time or energy for nurturing the parent-child relationship. Consequently, her calls become infrequent or cease altogether.
#8. Using Silence as Punishment
Silence can be a powerful tool of punishment in the hands of a narcissist. If she perceives you as having “wronged” her in some way, your mother may employ silence to make you feel guilty or to regain control over the relationship.
Suppose you’ve confronted her about her behavior, set boundaries, or asserted your independence. In response, she might resort to silence as a form of punishment, hoping to make you feel guilty for challenging her or for not meeting her expectations.
#9. Other Priorities
Narcissists are known for their self-centeredness. Your mother may simply have other priorities that take precedence over her relationship with you, causing her to neglect communication.
For instance, if she’s pursuing personal goals or immersed in her social circle, she may not prioritize maintaining contact with you. Her absence could be a result of her relentless focus on her own needs and desires.
#10. Lack of Self-Awareness
Some narcissistic individuals lack self-awareness regarding the impact of their behavior on others. Your mother may not realize the pain her silence causes you, as she’s primarily focused on her own needs and desires.
She may genuinely believe that her actions are justified or that she’s doing nothing wrong. Her lack of self-awareness makes it challenging for her to recognize the emotional toll her silence takes on you.
#11. Changing Mood or Circumstances
Narcissists can be emotionally erratic. Your mother’s mood or circumstances may have shifted, leading to changes in her communication patterns. She might contact you sporadically based on her current emotional state.
For example, if something positive happens in her life, she may reach out to share her joy. Conversely, if she encounters difficulties or disappointments, she might withdraw and become less communicative.
Understanding these possible reasons for your narcissistic mother’s silence is the first step toward finding solutions and managing your emotions. In the following section, we’ll explore what you can do when faced with this challenging situation.
Dealing with a narcissistic mother’s silence can be emotionally draining and confusing. However, there are proactive steps you can take to navigate this challenging situation and prioritize your well-being. Let’s explore in detail what you can do when your narcissistic mother is not reaching out:
What To Do When Your Narcissistic Mother Never Calls You
#1. Consider the Goals of Your Relationship With Your Mother
Before taking any action, take the time to deeply reflect on the goals you have for your relationship with your narcissistic mother. It’s essential to understand your motivations and what you hope to achieve. Here are some possibilities to consider:
- Maintain a Connection: If you value some level of contact with your mother despite her narcissistic tendencies, your goal might be to maintain a connection while setting boundaries to protect your emotional well-being.
- Set Boundaries: You may wish to establish clear boundaries to safeguard yourself from emotional manipulation or abuse. In this case, your goal would be to protect your mental and emotional health while maintaining a limited relationship.
- Distance Yourself: Perhaps your objective is to create significant emotional distance from your narcissistic mother for your overall well-being. This goal might involve reducing or even cutting off contact with her.
Clarifying your goals is a crucial first step, as it will guide your subsequent actions and decisions.
#2. Consider Initiating Contact Yourself
While it may seem counterintuitive, reaching out to your narcissistic mother can sometimes be a productive step, especially if maintaining some form of relationship aligns with your goals. However, this approach should be undertaken with careful consideration and boundaries in mind:
- Set Clear Boundaries: If you decide to initiate contact, establish clear boundaries for the interaction. Clearly communicate your expectations and limits to ensure that the conversation remains respectful and does not lead to emotional manipulation.
- Manage Your Expectations: Be prepared for the possibility that your mother’s response may not meet your expectations. Narcissistic individuals often have difficulty providing the emotional support or validation you may seek.
- Focus on Self-Care: Before reaching out, ensure that you are emotionally prepared. Focus on your self-care, emotional well-being, and resilience so that you can navigate the conversation with greater stability and self-assurance.
#3. Seek Mediation or Family Therapy To Repair the Rift
If the strain in your relationship with your narcissistic mother is causing significant distress, professional help can be invaluable. Mediation or family therapy provides a safe and structured environment for both of you to communicate and work through issues. Here’s what to consider:
- Choose a Skilled Therapist: Select a therapist experienced in dealing with narcissistic personalities and family dynamics. They can facilitate productive discussions and help both you and your mother express your feelings and concerns.
- Establish Clear Objectives: Outline your goals for therapy or mediation at the outset. It might be to improve communication, set healthier boundaries, or seek resolution on specific issues.
- Commit to Openness: Be prepared for therapy to uncover difficult emotions and experiences. Commit to being open and honest during sessions, as this transparency is essential for progress.
#4. Build Your Emotional Resilience
Dealing with a narcissistic parent can be emotionally challenging, and building emotional resilience is essential for your well-being. Here’s how to work on this aspect:
- Consider Individual Therapy: Individual therapy can provide you with tools to cope with the emotional toll of your relationship with your narcissistic mother. A therapist can help you develop strategies to manage stress, anxiety, and emotional triggers.
- Practice Self-Compassion: Cultivate self-compassion by being kind and understanding toward yourself. Acknowledge the challenges you face and remind yourself that you are doing your best in a difficult situation.
- Seek Support from Support Groups: Joining a support group for individuals with narcissistic parents can be immensely beneficial. Sharing your experiences with others who understand can provide validation and a sense of belonging.
#5. Connect with Supportive People
Surrounding yourself with a supportive network of friends and loved ones is crucial when dealing with a narcissistic mother. Here’s how to make the most of your support system:
- Communicate Your Needs: Let your support network know what you need from them. Whether it’s a listening ear, occasional distraction, or practical assistance, clear communication will help them provide the support you require.
- Lean on Trusted Friends and Family: Identify those in your circle who are empathetic and willing to be there for you. Lean on these trusted individuals when you need emotional support or someone to talk to.
- Consider Online Communities: In addition to in-person support, there are online communities and forums where you can connect with individuals who share similar experiences. These virtual spaces offer a sense of camaraderie and understanding.
#6. Take Care of Your Health
Narcissistic relationships can be highly stressful, and chronic stress can take a toll on your physical health. Prioritize self-care and well-being:
- Maintain a Healthy Lifestyle: Ensure you are eating well, getting regular exercise, and getting enough sleep. These foundational elements of self-care can help you better cope with stress.
- Explore Stress-Reduction Techniques: Consider stress-reduction techniques such as meditation, yoga, deep breathing exercises, or mindfulness. These practices can help you manage the emotional strain.
- Consult a Healthcare Professional: If the stress from your relationship with your mother is affecting your physical health or causing mental health issues, consider seeking professional guidance from a healthcare provider or therapist.
#7. Make Sure You Are Legally and Financially Secure
In some cases, narcissistic parents may use financial or legal control as a means of manipulation or control. To safeguard your well-being:
- Review Your Financial Situation: Ensure that you have autonomy over your finances and legal matters. This may involve seeking financial advice, updating legal documents, or consulting with an attorney if necessary.
- Create a Safety Net: Establish an emergency fund or safety net to provide financial security in case you need to make decisions that impact your financial stability.
- Seek Legal Advice: If you suspect your mother may use legal maneuvers to control or manipulate you, consult with an attorney to understand your rights and options.
#8. Consider Accepting What You Cannot Change
Acceptance can be a powerful tool for your peace of mind when dealing with a narcissistic parent. Understand that you cannot control your mother’s behavior or choices:
- Set Realistic Expectations: Accept that your mother may not change her narcissistic traits or behaviors. Setting realistic expectations for her actions can help you avoid disappointment.
- Focus on Self-Growth: Redirect your energy toward your own personal growth and well-being. Concentrate on becoming the best version of yourself, irrespective of your mother’s actions.
- Seek Closure Within Yourself: Closure may not always come from external sources. Sometimes, finding closure and healing means finding it within yourself and letting go of the need for validation from your mother.
Each situation is unique, and there is no one-size-fits-all solution when dealing with a narcissistic mother who does not reach out. Your path forward will depend on your individual circumstances, goals, and boundaries. Remember that seeking the support of a therapist or support group can provide invaluable guidance and validation during this challenging journey.
Conclusion
In conclusion, navigating a relationship with a narcissistic mother who rarely calls can be an emotionally taxing journey. Understanding the reasons behind her behavior, clarifying your goals, and seeking support are crucial steps in finding balance and peace in this challenging dynamic.
Remember that you have the power to set boundaries, prioritize self-care, and make choices that align with your well-being. While you may not be able to change your mother’s narcissistic traits, you can embark on a path of self-discovery and healing, ultimately finding the strength to thrive regardless of the challenges this relationship may pose. You are not alone in this journey, and support is available to help you through it.