Navigating a relationship with a covert narcissistic mother can be emotionally challenging and draining. These individuals often employ subtle tactics that can leave you feeling manipulated, invalidated, or emotionally exhausted. In this comprehensive blog post, we’ve compiled a list of 101 things covert narcissistic mothers commonly say, categorized to help you identify these behaviors.
But that’s not all—alongside each quote, we provide you with guidance on how to respond effectively. Learn how to maintain your emotional well-being, establish healthy boundaries, and foster a more balanced relationship with your mother. Understanding these tactics is the first step toward reclaiming your emotional autonomy and peace.
101 Things Covert Narcissistic Mothers Say (& How To Respond!)
Covert narcissistic mothers often employ manipulative and passive-aggressive tactics to control and emotionally manipulate their children. While it’s essential to remember that not all statements from a covert narcissistic mother will fit neatly into categories, here are some common types of things they might say:
- Guilt and Manipulation
- Victimhood
- Passive-Aggressiveness
- Invalidating Your Feelings
- Gaslighting
- Martyrdom
- Undermining Your Achievements
- Conditional Love
- Comparing to Others
- Withholding Affection
It’s important to recognize that covert narcissistic mothers use these tactics to maintain control and manipulate their children emotionally. It can be challenging to navigate these relationships, and seeking therapy or counseling can be helpful for individuals dealing with the impact of having a covert narcissistic mother. However, knowing what to expect is often the first step in figuring out how to deal with a covert narcissistic mother.
Now let’s look at the things covert narcissistic mothers say in each of these categories.
Guilt and Manipulation
#1. “After everything I’ve done for you, you can’t even do this one thing for me?”
How to respond:
Maintain boundaries and calmly assert that you have your own needs and limitations. Avoid getting defensive or feeling obligated to meet unreasonable demands.
#2. “I guess I’m just a terrible mother in your eyes.”
How to respond:
Express empathy and assure your mother that you don’t view her as a terrible mother, but you need to address concerns and conflicts calmly and respectfully.
#3. “You’re so ungrateful for all the sacrifices I’ve made.”
How to respond:
Acknowledge her sacrifices but assert your need for independence and the right to make your choices. Emphasize that love and sacrifices shouldn’t come with strings attached.
#4. “You’re causing me so much stress; I don’t know how much more I can take.”
How to respond:
Show empathy while setting boundaries. Suggest finding healthier ways to cope with her stress, such as seeking support from friends or professionals.
#5. “You’re always disappointing me.”
How to respond:
Express that you’re doing your best and that it’s unrealistic to expect perfection. Encourage open communication and understanding between you.
#6. “I gave up my dreams so you could have a better life.”
How to respond:
Acknowledge her sacrifices but emphasize that you didn’t ask for them. Encourage her to pursue her own dreams and interests now that you’re more independent.
#7. “You never consider my feelings.”
How to respond:
Express that you do care about her feelings but that it’s important to address both your feelings and hers in a balanced way. Encourage open dialogue.
#8. “I’m just trying to protect you from making mistakes, but you never listen.”
How to respond:
Thank her for her concern but assert your need to learn from your own experiences and mistakes. Suggest that she trust your judgment.
#9. “You’ll regret treating me this way when I’m gone.”
How to respond:
Express that you don’t want to have regrets but that emotional manipulation won’t improve your relationship. Encourage healthier communication.
#10. “I only want what’s best for you, even if you can’t see it.”
How to respond:
Acknowledge her intentions but assert your autonomy in making decisions about your life. Encourage her to trust your judgment and support your choices.
It’s important to respond calmly, assertively, and with empathy when dealing with a covert narcissistic mother’s guilt and manipulation tactics. Setting clear boundaries and promoting open, respectful communication can help establish a healthier relationship.
Victimhood
#11. “No one appreciates me in this house.”
How to respond:
Express appreciation for her contributions but remind her that appreciation should be mutual. Encourage a balanced discussion of everyone’s feelings.
#12. “I’m always the one who gets hurt.”
How to respond:
Acknowledge her feelings but encourage her to communicate her needs and concerns directly instead of using guilt. Offer support and understanding.
#13. “Why does everyone treat me like I’m invisible?”
How to respond:
Validate her feelings but gently point out that her passive-aggressive behavior might contribute to the way others react. Encourage open communication.
#14. “I’m just a burden to everyone, aren’t I?”
How to respond:
Express that she’s not a burden but that everyone should contribute and share responsibilities. Encourage a fair division of tasks and communication.
#15. “Nobody cares about how I feel.”
How to respond:
Express empathy and reassure her that you do care about her feelings. Encourage open conversations where everyone’s emotions are valued.
#16. “I’ve suffered so much in my life.”
How to respond:
Show empathy and suggest that she seek support or therapy to address her past suffering. Encourage her to work on healing and self-care.
#17. “You’re just trying to make me feel like the bad guy.”
How to respond:
Ensure that your intention is not to make her feel guilty but to address issues constructively. Emphasize the importance of open communication.
#18. “I can’t have anything nice; it always gets ruined.”
How to respond:
Acknowledge her frustration but discuss how everyone can contribute to maintaining nice things. Encourage a discussion on how to prevent damage.
#19. “You don’t know how much I’ve sacrificed for you.”
How to respond:
Acknowledge her sacrifices but assert your right to make your own choices. Encourage her to pursue her own happiness and interests.
#20. “You owe me for all my sacrifices.”
How to respond:
Express gratitude for her sacrifices but make it clear that you didn’t ask for them, and you don’t owe her anything beyond love and respect. Encourage a more balanced perspective on giving and receiving.
When responding to a covert narcissistic mother’s victimhood statements, it’s crucial to maintain empathy while gently encouraging healthier communication and problem-solving rather than relying on guilt and manipulation. Establishing boundaries and promoting open dialogue can help improve the relationship.
Passive-Aggressiveness
#21. “Oh, I’m sure you’re too busy to help around here.”
How to respond:
Politely acknowledge her statement and express your willingness to help if she communicates her needs directly. Encourage open and clear communication.
#22. “I don’t need any help; I can do it all myself.”
How to respond:
Respect her independence but express your willingness to contribute. Suggest finding ways to work together as a team rather than separately.
#23. “It must be nice to have such a perfect life.”
How to respond:
Express that nobody has a perfect life, and everyone faces their challenges. Encourage open conversations about difficulties and support.
#24. “I wouldn’t want you to inconvenience yourself for me.”
How to respond:
Politely offer your assistance, and let her know you’re willing to help when needed. Avoid escalating the passive-aggressive behavior.
#25. “I guess I should just expect disappointment from you.”
How to respond:
Address her concerns calmly and assertively, emphasizing that you’re doing your best. Encourage open discussions about expectations and boundaries.
#26. “I didn’t realize I was such a bother to you.”
How to respond:
Assure her that she’s not a bother, but express the importance of clear communication and mutual respect in your relationship.
#27. “You seem to know everything; I should let you handle it.”
How to respond:
Acknowledge her sarcasm and express your willingness to work together as equals. Encourage a collaborative approach to problem-solving.
#28. “I’ll just suffer in silence; that’s what I’m good at.”
How to respond:
Express concern for her well-being and encourage her to share her feelings and concerns openly. Offer support and a safe space for communication.
#29. “You don’t have to worry about me; I’ll manage somehow.”
How to respond:
Show that you care and that you’re willing to help if she needs it. Encourage her to communicate her needs rather than assuming you know.
#30. “I’ll just do everything myself, as usual.”
How to respond:
Express your desire to be helpful and contribute. Suggest discussing how tasks can be shared more evenly to avoid resentment.
Invalidating Your Feelings
#31. “You’re too sensitive; stop making a fuss.”
How to respond:
Express that everyone has different sensitivities and that your feelings are valid. Encourage respectful acknowledgment of emotions.
#32. “You’re overreacting as usual.”
How to respond:
Explain your perspective calmly and assertively, emphasizing that your emotions are genuine. Encourage open dialogue to understand each other better.
#33. “You always blow things out of proportion.”
How to respond:
Acknowledge that perceptions vary and emphasize that your feelings are not exaggerated. Encourage empathetic listening to each other’s viewpoints.
#34. “I can’t believe you’re making a big deal out of this.”
How to respond:
Explain why the issue is important to you without becoming defensive. Encourage understanding and a willingness to address concerns.
#35. “It’s not that serious; get over it.”
How to respond:
Express that different things affect people differently and emphasize the importance of respecting each other’s feelings. Encourage empathy.
#36. “You’re just looking for attention.”
How to respond:
Explain that seeking support and understanding is normal and healthy. Encourage her to listen to your concerns without judgment.
#37. “You’re too emotional for your own good.”
How to respond:
Acknowledge your emotions and assert that it’s okay to feel deeply. Encourage open conversations about emotional well-being and coping.
#38. “You must have misunderstood; that’s not what I meant.”
How to respond:
Clarify your perspective and express that your feelings are based on your interpretation of the situation. Encourage clear and open communication.
#39. “Why can’t you just be more laid-back like me?”
How to respond:
Emphasize that everyone is different, and it’s okay to have varying temperaments. Encourage acceptance and understanding of your unique qualities.
#40. “I can’t deal with your drama right now.”
How to respond:
Express understanding of her need for space but encourage a later discussion when both parties are calm and receptive to each other’s concerns.
Gaslighting
#41. “I never said that; you’re imagining things.”
How to respond:
Trust your memory and calmly assert that you recall the conversation differently. Encourage honest and open communication.
#42. “I would never do something like that.”
How to respond:
Stand by your perception of events and assert that your feelings are valid. Encourage a respectful discussion to clarify misunderstandings.
#43. “You’re twisting my words.”
How to respond:
Express your interpretation of the conversation without becoming defensive. Encourage a mutual understanding of each other’s perspectives.
#44. “You must have a terrible memory.”
How to respond:
Assert your confidence in your memory and express your willingness to discuss the issue calmly and openly. Encourage validation of your feelings.
#45. “You’re making things up to make me look bad.”
How to respond:
Emphasize that you’re not trying to make her look bad but are seeking clarity on the situation. Encourage a constructive conversation.
#46. “I think you’re going crazy.”
How to respond:
Reject the suggestion and maintain your confidence. Encourage respectful communication and addressing concerns honestly.
#47. “You’re just trying to make me feel guilty.”
How to respond:
Explain your intention to communicate honestly and openly. Encourage understanding and empathy rather than guilt.
#48. “You’re paranoid if you think I would do that.”
How to respond:
Express that you’re not paranoid but concerned about the situation. Encourage addressing concerns without dismissiveness.
#49. “I don’t know where you get these ideas.”
How to respond:
Share your perspective and emphasize the importance of open and honest communication. Encourage mutual understanding.
#50. “You’re the one with the problem, not me.”
How to respond:
Express that you’re open to discussing any issues and finding solutions together. Encourage cooperation and empathy in resolving conflicts.
Martyrdom
#51. “I’ve given up everything to raise you.”
How to respond:
Acknowledge her sacrifices but remind her that you didn’t ask for them. Encourage her to pursue her own interests and happiness.
#52. “You don’t know how much I’ve suffered for your sake.”
How to respond:
Show empathy and acknowledge her pain, but suggest seeking support or therapy to address past suffering constructively.
#53. “I’m just a selfless mother, always putting you first.”
How to respond:
Express gratitude for her care but assert your need for independence and making your choices. Emphasize the importance of mutual respect.
#54. “You’re the reason I have no life.”
How to respond:
Express that you appreciate her efforts but encourage her to find activities or hobbies that bring her fulfillment and happiness.
#55. “I had dreams too, but I had to sacrifice them for you.”
How to respond:
Acknowledge her dreams and sacrifices but emphasize that it was her choice. Encourage her to revisit her aspirations now that you’re more independent.
#56. “You owe me for all my sacrifices.”
How to respond:
Express gratitude for her sacrifices but assert that you don’t owe her beyond love and respect. Encourage a more balanced perspective on giving and receiving.
#57. “No one knows the pain I’ve endured.”
How to respond:
Show empathy and suggest that she shares her experiences with a therapist or support group to work through past pain constructively.
#58. “I’m always the one who has to suffer.”
How to respond:
Acknowledge her feelings but encourage mutual problem-solving and support within the family. Avoid getting drawn into guilt.
#59. “I’ve had to put my life on hold because of you.”
How to respond:
Express understanding of her sacrifices but encourage her to prioritize her own life and interests now that you’re more independent.
#60. “I’m always the one who suffers.”
How to respond:
Show empathy for her feelings but encourage a shift towards a healthier, more balanced approach to addressing problems and sharing responsibilities.
Undermining Your Achievements
#61. “Anyone could have done that; it’s no big deal.”
How to respond:
Acknowledge her perspective but assert the importance of celebrating your achievements. Encourage her to express pride in your accomplishments.
#62. “Don’t get too proud of yourself; it’s not that impressive.”
How to respond:
Express gratitude for her input but emphasize the value of self-confidence and celebrating your successes. Encourage a positive outlook.
#63. “You got lucky this time.”
How to respond:
Acknowledge that luck may play a role but emphasize your hard work and efforts. Encourage recognition of your determination and skills.
#64. “You think you’re so special, don’t you?”
How to respond:
Express that feeling special or confident is healthy and natural. Encourage a positive attitude and self-belief.
#65. “You’re not as talented as you think.”
How to respond:
Acknowledge that everyone has room for improvement but emphasize the value of self-esteem. Encourage a supportive and constructive approach to personal growth.
#66. “You’ll see that it’s not as great as you think it is.”
How to respond:
Express that you’re open to feedback but emphasize the importance of enjoying your achievements. Encourage a balanced perspective.
#67. “You’re not the best at what you do; remember that.”
How to respond:
Acknowledge that there may always be someone better but stress the significance of personal growth and development. Encourage self-improvement.
#68. “I don’t see why you’re making such a fuss over this.”
How to respond:
Explain why the achievement is important to you without becoming defensive. Encourage her to appreciate your accomplishments even if she doesn’t fully understand them.
#69. “You’ll probably fail eventually; that’s just how life works.”
How to respond:
Express your determination to succeed and learn from failures. Encourage a growth mindset and resilience.
#70. “You’re setting yourself up for disappointment.”
How to respond:
Acknowledge the possibility of setbacks but emphasize the value of pursuing your goals with optimism. Encourage her to support your aspirations.
Conditional Love
#71. “I’ll love you more if you do what I want.”
How to respond:
Express that love should be unconditional and not based on compliance. Emphasize the importance of love that is freely given and received.
#72. “I can’t love you when you’re like this.”
How to respond:
Assert that love should encompass both good and difficult times. Encourage empathy and support during challenging moments.
#73. “If you were a better son/daughter, I would be happier.”
How to respond:
Express that it’s not your responsibility to make her happy and that her happiness should not depend on your actions. Encourage her to seek happiness within herself.
#74. “My love comes with conditions, and you’re not meeting them.”
How to respond:
Emphasize that genuine love is not based on meeting specific conditions. Encourage her to reflect on what unconditional love means.
#75. “I’ll show you affection when you start behaving properly.”
How to respond: Assert that affection should not be used as a reward for good behavior. Encourage open expressions of love regardless of behavior.
#76. “You need to earn my love; it’s not freely given.”
How to respond:
Express that love should be given freely to family members. Encourage her to reconsider her approach to love and relationships.
#77. “I love you less when you disappoint me.”
How to respond:
Acknowledge that disappointments can happen but assert that love should not diminish based on mistakes. Encourage empathy and forgiveness.
#78. “You have to prove yourself to me to earn my love.”
How to respond:
Express that love is not a transaction but a fundamental bond. Encourage a more open-hearted approach to love and understanding.
#79. “I can’t love you when you’re such a disappointment.”
How to respond:
Emphasize that everyone makes mistakes and faces disappointments in life. Encourage a more compassionate and forgiving attitude.
#80. “Love is something you have to work for.”
How to respond:
Assert that love within a family should be given freely and unconditionally. Encourage a more nurturing and supportive environment.
Comparing to Others
#81. “Why can’t you be more like your sibling?”
How to respond:
Emphasize that you are your own person with unique qualities and strengths. Encourage appreciation for individual differences within the family.
#82. “Look at [friend/sibling], they’re so much better than you.”
How to respond:
Assert that comparing family members to others can be hurtful and unproductive. Encourage recognition of your individual accomplishments and qualities.
#83. “I wish you were more like [comparison].”
How to respond:
Express that you value your unique qualities and encourage acceptance of who you are. Emphasize the importance of individuality.
#84. “You’re always falling short compared to others.”
How to respond:
Assert that comparing family members can be harmful to self-esteem. Encourage a more supportive and nurturing approach within the family.
#85. “You’ll never measure up to [comparison].”
How to respond:
Express that you’re striving to be the best version of yourself, not a clone of someone else. Encourage self-acceptance and personal growth.
#86. “Why can’t you be as successful as [comparison]?”
How to respond:
Highlight your own achievements and express that success is subjective and personal. Encourage a focus on your own goals and aspirations.
#87. “I don’t understand why you can’t be more like [comparison].”
How to respond:
Explain that you’re proud of who you are and that comparisons are unhelpful. Encourage acceptance and support from your mother.
#88. “You should learn from [comparison], they have it all together.”
How to respond:
Emphasize that everyone has their own journey and challenges. Encourage support and understanding rather than comparison.
#89. “I bet [comparison] wouldn’t behave like this.”
How to respond:
Assert that each person has their own unique way of handling situations. Encourage a focus on your own behavior and growth.
#90. “You’re the reason our family is falling apart.”
How to respond:
Express that family issues cannot be blamed on one individual. Encourage a more constructive and collaborative approach to resolving family conflicts.
Withholding Affection
#91. “You don’t deserve my love right now.”
How to respond:
Express your desire for a loving and supportive relationship and assert that love should not be conditional. Encourage open communication and understanding.
#92. “I’ll show you love when you’ve earned it.”
How to respond:
Emphasize that love within a family should be freely given and received. Encourage mutual support and affection without preconditions.
#93. “I’ll be cold until you start behaving better.”
How to respond:
Express your need for emotional support and understanding. Encourage her to provide emotional warmth and love unconditionally.
#94. “You’ve disappointed me, so don’t expect any affection.”
How to respond:
Acknowledge her feelings but assert that love should not be withdrawn based on disappointment. Encourage open communication to address concerns.
#95. “I can’t be affectionate when you’re like this.”
How to respond:
Express your desire for a loving relationship and assert that affection can help improve situations. Encourage a more compassionate and empathetic approach.
#96. “You’ve pushed me away with your actions.”
How to respond:
Express your willingness to work on the relationship but assert that love should be given despite challenges. Encourage a more positive and constructive approach to conflicts.
#97. “Maybe if you change, I’ll start showing you love again.”
How to respond:
Emphasize that love is not a bargaining tool and should be freely given. Encourage open discussions to address concerns and improve the relationship.
#98. “You’re on your own until you fix things.”
How to respond:
Express the importance of support and love during difficult times. Encourage a more empathetic and nurturing approach to family relationships.
#99. “I don’t want to be close to you right now.”
How to respond:
Express your desire for closeness and emotional support. Encourage her to discuss any concerns or issues openly and constructively.
#100. “Affection is reserved for those who deserve it.”
How to respond:
Assert that love should be freely given to family members. Encourage understanding and forgiveness rather than withholding affection as a punishment.
#101. “You should know what you did to deserve this lack of love.”
How to respond:
Express that you value a loving and supportive relationship and that withholding affection is not productive. Encourage open communication to understand and address any issues causing the lack of affection. Remind her that love is essential for healthy family bonds and that working together to resolve issues is more constructive than withholding love as a form of punishment.
Closing Thoughts
Navigating a relationship with a covert narcissistic mother can be a complex and emotionally taxing journey. We hope that this comprehensive list of common things covert narcissistic mothers say and our suggested responses has provided you with insight, validation, and practical strategies for handling these challenging interactions.
Remember, you are not alone, and your feelings are valid. Establishing boundaries, prioritizing self-care, seeking support, and fostering open, respectful communication are vital steps towards building a healthier relationship or finding the strength to distance yourself when necessary.
Above all, remember that you deserve love, respect, and emotional well-being. Your journey towards healing and self-discovery is worth it, and you have the power to shape your own narrative.