Dealing with covert narcissists can be a challenging and emotionally draining experience. Often, their harmful behaviors are hidden beneath a veneer of charm, leaving you feeling confused and questioning your own reality.
In this article, we will uncover the subtle yet damaging things covert narcissists say and arm you with practical strategies on how to respond effectively. By understanding their tactics, you can protect yourself and maintain your sanity in the face of such manipulation.
Key Takeaways
- Covert narcissists use subtle language to manipulate and control others, such as backhanded compliments and self-praising statements.
- Gaslighting and blaming are common tactics used by covert narcissists to distort reality and avoid taking responsibility for their actions.
- Respond to covert narcissists by setting boundaries, recognizing manipulative language, and focusing on your own emotions and needs. Seek professional help if needed. Remember that communication is key in navigating difficult relationships with these individuals.
Understanding Covert Narcissism
Covert narcissism is a personality disorder characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, an intense need for admiration and validation, and a lack of empathy towards others.
Definition And Characteristics
Covert narcissism, often referred to as hidden or closet narcissism, is a subtler form of the more recognizable overt narcissism. While both types share certain traits such as grandiosity and a sense of entitlement, covert narcissists express these characteristics in less obvious ways.
Covert narcissists have mastered the art of hiding their true intentions behind an unassuming façade. They may come across as caring and empathetic but are actually manipulating situations for personal gain.
For example, they might offer help with ulterior motives like seeking praise or putting others in their debt.
Traits And Behaviors Of Covert Narcissists
Covert narcissists, unlike their overt counterparts, exhibit their narcissistic tendencies in less obvious ways. They often appear shy or introverted, masking their true self-centered nature with a facade of humility and agreeability.
One common trait among covert narcissists is passive-aggressiveness. Instead of directly confronting an issue, they may resort to subtle manipulation tactics such as guilt-tripping, offering backhanded compliments, or giving the silent treatment.
For example, a covert narcissist might say something like “You always look nice when you dress up” while implying that your usual appearance isn’t up to par.
Moreover, covert narcissists are also known for seemingly attentive listening but only because it allows them to gather information about your weaknesses which they then exploit later on during conversations or arguments.
Decoding The Language Of Covert Narcissists
Covert narcissists often use subtle language that can be difficult to detect. But by understanding their tactics, you can start to identify and respond to their toxic behavior.
Subtle Insults And Negativity
Covert narcissists have a knack for delivering subtle insults and negativity in such a way that it can be challenging to identify their true intentions. These master manipulators are experts at disguising their disdain or criticism as concern, helpful advice, or innocent observations.
One common tactic employed by covert narcissists is the backhanded compliment – an ostensibly positive remark with an underlying negative message. Take this example: after you’ve worked hard on a project and received praise from others, the covert narcissist might say, “Wow, you’re so lucky everything always comes easily to you.” On the surface, this may sound like admiration; however, it carries the implication that your success isn’t due to hard work or talent but merely luck.
Self-Praising And Manipulation
Covert narcissists often use self-praising language to boost their ego and manipulate those around them. They may consistently talk about their achievements, talents, or intelligence in a way that comes across as grandiose or boastful.
Another manipulative tactic is to use flattery and compliments to get what they want. They may praise someone excessively or give insincere compliments in an attempt to gain favor or control over them.
Gaslighting And Blaming
Covert narcissists are known to manipulate and distort reality in order to maintain control over their victims. One common tactic used by these individuals is gaslighting, which involves making the victim doubt their own sanity or perception of events.
Another way covert narcissists maintain control is through blaming others for their problems or mistakes. They often refuse to take responsibility for their actions and instead shift the blame onto those around them.
This can be incredibly frustrating for the victim who may feel powerless in trying to defend themselves against false accusations.
Examples Of Things Covert Narcissists Say
Covert narcissists have a unique language that can be difficult to decipher, but examples of their common phrases like “I’m just being honest” and “you’re just being too sensitive” can help you recognize their manipulative tactics.
In the table below we analyze 101 things covert narcissists say, why they say these things and how you can respond to them.
| # | Quote | Motive | Suggested Reaction |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1. | “You’re overreacting.” | To dismiss your feelings and avoid responsibility. | Trust your instincts and validate your emotions. |
| 2. | “You’re too sensitive.” | To invalidate your emotions and make you doubt yourself. | Recognize your own emotional intelligence and strength. |
| 3. | “I never said that.” | To gaslight you and distort reality. | Keep a record of conversations and trust your memory. |
| 4. | “You’re just jealous.” | To belittle your achievements and make themselves superior. | Focus on your own accomplishments and self-worth. |
| 5. | “You’re the problem, not me.” | To shift blame and avoid accountability. | Reflect on your actions, but also set healthy boundaries. |
| 6. | “I always put others before myself.” | To appear selfless and gain validation. | Observe their actions and evaluate their true motives. |
| 7. | “You’re lucky to have me.” | To create dependency and control in the relationship. | Cultivate a sense of self-worth and independence. |
| 8. | “You’re not capable of understanding this.” | To exert intellectual superiority and dismiss your opinion. | Assert your right to your perspective and knowledge. |
| 9. | “I’m just trying to help you.” | To assert control and manipulate your choices. | Evaluate their intentions and seek unbiased advice. |
| 10. | “You always exaggerate things.” | To minimize your experiences and feelings. | Trust your perception and seek validation from others. |
| 11. | “Nobody else will ever love you like I do.” | To create dependence and foster fear of abandonment. | Recognize your own worth and seek healthy relationships. |
| 12. | “You’re so lucky to have my guidance.” | To establish themselves as an authority figure. | Acknowledge your own strengths and seek diverse guidance. |
| 13. | “I sacrifice so much for you.” | To create guilt and obligation in the relationship. | Recognize your own sacrifices and set healthy boundaries. |
| 14. | “You’re too needy.” | To make you doubt your emotional needs and independence. | Embrace your emotions and seek healthy interdependence. |
| 15. | “You can’t function without me.” | To establish control and undermine your self-sufficiency. | Build your own strengths and assert your independence. |
| 16. | “You’re just trying to manipulate me.” | To deflect accountability and paint themselves as victims. | Communicate clearly and assert your boundaries. |
| 17. | “I don’t care what others think, but…” | To project an image of nonchalance while seeking approval. | Stay true to your own values and opinions. |
| 18. | “You’re so lucky to have my support.” | To create dependency and manipulate your gratitude. | Acknowledge your own sources of support and empowerment. |
| 19. | “You’re too demanding.” | To make you doubt your reasonable needs and expectations. | Assert your boundaries and communicate your needs clearly. |
| 20. | “You’re just being paranoid.” | To dismiss your concerns and make you doubt your judgment. | Trust your instincts and seek validation from others. |
| 21. | “You’re too emotional.” | To invalidate your feelings and undermine your autonomy. | Embrace your emotions and assert your independence. |
| 22. | “You should be grateful for what I do for you.” | To create guilt and manipulate your sense of indebtedness. | Recognize your own contributions and practice gratitude. |
| 23. | “You’re too insecure.” | To undermine your self-esteem and maintain control. | Cultivate self-acceptance and seek validation from within. |
| 24. | “I’m the only one who truly understands you.” | To isolate you from support systems and create dependence. | Seek diverse perspectives and build a support network. |
| 25. | “You’re just being dramatic.” | To belittle your emotions and invalidate your experiences. | Trust your emotions and find people who validate them. |
| 26. | “You owe me.” | To establish a power dynamic and manipulate your actions. | Assert your independence and set clear boundaries. |
| 27. | “You’re too independent for your own good.” | To undermine your autonomy and assert control. | Embrace your independence and assert your boundaries. |
| 28. | “You can’t survive without me.” | To create fear and dependence in the relationship. | Build your own resilience and self-sufficiency. |
| 29. | “I’m the best thing that ever happened to you.” | To boost their ego and manipulate your gratitude. | Recognize your own worth and embrace your autonomy. |
| 30. | “You need me more than I need you.” | To establish superiority and create dependence. | Recognize your own strengths and build independence. |
| 31. | “You’re too naive to understand.” | To undermine your intelligence and assert control. | Trust your intuition and seek knowledge independently. |
| 32. | “You’re too demanding for love.” | To manipulate your desire for love and acceptance. | Recognize your own worth and seek healthy relationships. |
| 33. | “You’re just seeking attention.” | To dismiss your needs for validation and connection. | Validate your own feelings and seek supportive relationships. |
| 34. | “You’re imagining things.” | To gaslight you and make you question your perception. | Trust your instincts and seek validation from others. |
| 35. | “You’re not capable of doing it on your own.” | To undermine your confidence and maintain control. | Believe in your abilities and seek independence. |
| 36. | “You’ll never find someone like me.” | To create fear of loss and dependence on the relationship. | Recognize your own worth and pursue healthy relationships. |
| 37. | “You always ruin everything.” | To shift blame and avoid responsibility for their actions. | Take responsibility for your own mistakes, but set boundaries. |
| 38. | “You’re too insecure to leave me.” | To manipulate your fear and maintain control. | Build your self-esteem and seek support to break free. |
| 39. | “You’re too naive to understand my intentions.” | To manipulate your perception and gain trust. | Stay cautious, evaluate actions, and trust your intuition. |
| 40. | “You’re lucky I tolerate you.” | To create dependence and manipulate your gratitude. | Recognize your own worth and seek healthier relationships. |
| 41. | “You’re too weak to handle it.” | To undermine your confidence and maintain control. | Build your resilience and assert your independence. |
| 42. | “You need me to protect you.” | To establish control and create fear of abandonment. | Recognize your own strength and seek healthy support systems. |
| 43. | “You’ll never be able to do it without me.” | To undermine your self-belief and assert control. | Believe in your abilities and seek independence. |
| 44. | “You’re just seeking sympathy.” | To dismiss your emotions and invalidate your experiences. | Embrace your emotions and seek empathy from supportive people. |
| 45. | “You’ll never find someone who loves you like I do.” | To create fear of abandonment and foster dependence. | Recognize your own worth and seek healthy relationships. |
| 46. | “You’re too sensitive to criticism.” | To invalidate your emotions and avoid accountability. | Acknowledge constructive criticism but set boundaries. |
| 47. | “You need me to take care of you.” | To create dependency and assert control in the relationship. | Foster self-reliance and seek supportive relationships. |
| 48. | “You’re too emotional to handle this.” | To undermine your ability to deal with challenges. | Embrace your emotions and seek support when needed. |
| 49. | “You’re just being difficult.” | To dismiss your needs and assert control in the situation. | Assert your boundaries and communicate your needs clearly. |
| 50. | “You’re too stupid to understand.” | To belittle your intelligence and assert dominance. | Recognize your own capabilities and seek knowledge. |
| 51. | “You’re lucky I’m willing to put up with you.” | To create dependency and manipulate your gratitude. | Recognize your own worth and seek healthier relationships. |
| 52. | “You’re too dependent on others.” | To undermine your self-sufficiency and maintain control. | Foster your independence and build a support network. |
| 53. | “You’ll never succeed without me.” | To undermine your self-belief and assert control. | Believe in your abilities and seek independence. |
| 54. | “You’re just imagining things again.” | To dismiss your concerns and invalidate your perception. | Trust your instincts and seek validation from others. |
| 55. | “You’re not strong enough to handle it.” | To undermine your confidence and maintain control. | Build your resilience and assert your independence. |
| 56. | “You need me to feel complete.” | To create dependence and manipulate your self-worth. | Recognize your own value and seek fulfillment within yourself. |
| 57. | “You’re too naive to see the truth.” | To manipulate your perception and gain control. | Seek different perspectives and trust your own judgment. |
| 58. | “You’re so lucky to have me by your side.” | To create dependency and manipulate your gratitude. | Acknowledge your own sources of support and empowerment. |
| 59. | “You’re just trying to control me.” | To deflect accountability and paint themselves as victims. | Communicate clearly and assert your boundaries. |
| 60. | “You’re not good enough for anyone else.” | To create fear of abandonment and foster dependence. | Recognize your own worth and seek healthy relationships. |
| 61. | “You’re too weak to make decisions.” | To undermine your confidence and maintain control. | Trust your judgment and assert your independence. |
| 62. | “You need me to protect you from the world.” | To establish control and create fear of abandonment. | Foster self-reliance and seek healthy support systems. |
| 63. | “You’ll never achieve anything without me.” | To undermine your self-belief and assert control. | Believe in your abilities and seek independence. |
| 64. | “You’re just trying to get attention.” | To dismiss your needs for validation and connection. | Validate your own feelings and seek supportive relationships. |
| 65. | “You’re too sensitive to handle the truth.” | To invalidate your emotions and avoid accountability. | Acknowledge your emotions and seek honest communication. |
| 66. | “You’re lucky to have someone like me.” | To create dependency and control in the relationship. | Cultivate a sense of self-worth and independence. |
| 67. | “You’re too gullible to see the real world.” | To undermine your perception and assert control. | Seek diverse perspectives and trust your intuition. |
| 68. | “You’ll never find happiness without me.” | To create fear of abandonment and foster dependence. | Recognize your own worth and seek fulfillment within yourself. |
| 69. | “You’re too insecure to leave me.” | To manipulate your fear and maintain control. | Build your self-esteem and seek support to break free. |
| 70. | “You’re too naive to understand my intentions.” | To manipulate your perception and gain trust. | Stay cautious, evaluate actions, and trust your intuition. |
| 71. | “You’re lucky I tolerate you.” | To create dependence and manipulate your gratitude. | Recognize your own worth and seek healthier relationships. |
| 72. | “You’re too weak to handle it.” | To undermine your confidence and maintain control. | Build your resilience and assert your independence. |
| 73. | “You need me to protect you from the world.” | To establish control and create fear of abandonment. | Recognize your own strength and seek healthy support systems. |
| 74. | “You’ll never be able to do it without me.” | To undermine your self-belief and assert control. | Believe in your abilities and seek independence. |
| 75. | “You’re just seeking pity.” | To dismiss your emotions and invalidate your experiences. | Embrace your emotions and seek empathy from supportive people. |
| 76. | “You’ll never find someone who loves you like I do.” | To create fear of abandonment and foster dependence. | Recognize your own worth and seek healthy relationships. |
| 77. | “You’re too emotional to handle this.” | To undermine your ability to deal with challenges. | Embrace your emotions and seek support when needed. |
| 78. | “You’re just being difficult.” | To dismiss your needs and assert control in the situation. | Assert your boundaries and communicate your needs clearly. |
| 79. | “You’re too stupid to understand.” | To belittle your intelligence and assert dominance. | Recognize your own capabilities and seek knowledge. |
| 80. | “You’re lucky I’m willing to put up with you.” | To create dependency and manipulate your gratitude. | Recognize your own worth and seek healthier relationships. |
| 81. | “You’re too dependent on others.” | To undermine your self-sufficiency and maintain control. | Foster your independence and build a support network. |
| 82. | “You’ll never succeed without me.” | To undermine your self-belief and assert control. | Believe in your abilities and seek independence. |
| 83. | “You’re just imagining things again.” | To dismiss your concerns and invalidate your perception. | Trust your instincts and seek validation from others. |
| 84. | “You’re not strong enough to handle it.” | To undermine your confidence and maintain control. | Build your resilience and assert your independence. |
| 85. | “You need me to feel complete.” | To create dependence and manipulate your self-worth. | Recognize your own value and seek fulfillment within yourself. |
| 86. | “You’re too naive to see the truth.” | To manipulate your perception and gain control. | Seek different perspectives and trust your own judgment. |
| 87. | “You’re so lucky to have me by your side.” | To create dependency and manipulate your gratitude. | Acknowledge your own sources of support and empowerment. |
| 88. | “You’re just trying to control me.” | To deflect accountability and paint themselves as victims. | Communicate clearly and assert your boundaries. |
| 89. | “You’re not good enough for anyone else.” | To create fear of abandonment and foster dependence. | Recognize your own worth and seek healthy relationships. |
| 90. | “You’re too weak to make decisions.” | To undermine your confidence and maintain control. | Trust your judgment and assert your independence. |
| 91. | “You need me to protect you from the world.” | To establish control and create fear of abandonment. | Foster self-reliance and seek healthy support systems. |
| 92. | “You’ll never achieve anything without me.” | To undermine your self-belief and assert control. | Believe in your abilities and seek independence. |
| 93. | “You’re just trying to get attention.” | To dismiss your needs for validation and connection. | Validate your own feelings and seek supportive relationships. |
| 94. | “You’re too sensitive to handle the truth.” | To invalidate your emotions and avoid accountability. | Acknowledge your emotions and seek honest communication. |
| 95. | “You’re lucky to have someone like me.” | To create dependency and control in the relationship. | Cultivate a sense of self-worth and independence. |
| 96. | “You’re too gullible to see the real world.” | To undermine your perception and assert control. | Seek diverse perspectives and trust your intuition. |
| 97. | “You’ll never find happiness without me.” | To create fear of abandonment and foster dependence. | Recognize your own worth and seek fulfillment within yourself. |
| 98. | “You’re too insecure to leave me.” | To manipulate your fear and maintain control. | Build your self-esteem and seek support to break free. |
| 99. | “You’re too naive to understand my intentions.” | To manipulate your perception and gain trust. | Stay cautious, evaluate actions, and trust your intuition. |
| 100. | “You’re lucky I tolerate you.” | To create dependency and manipulate your gratitude. | Recognize your own worth and seek healthier relationships. |
| 101. | “You’re too weak to handle it.” | To undermine your confidence and maintain control. | Build your resilience and assert your independence. |
Coping With Covert Narcissists
Setting Boundaries And Asserting Yourself
Covert narcissists can be challenging to deal with, but it’s important to remember that you have the right to set boundaries and assert yourself. Here are some tips for doing so effectively:
- Clearly communicate your boundaries: Be specific about what behaviors or language you find unacceptable, and let the covert narcissist know that these boundaries must be respected.
- Use “I” statements: When addressing problematic behavior, start by expressing how it makes you feel using “I” statements rather than attacking the other person directly.
- Stay firm: Covert narcissists may push back or try to manipulate you into changing your mind. Stay firm in your boundaries and reiterate them if necessary.
- Avoid engaging in arguments or debates: Covert narcissists thrive on attention and can become confrontational if they feel challenged. Disengage from discussions that seem like they’ll lead to a disagreement.
- Focus on self-care: Dealing with a covert narcissist can be emotionally draining. Make sure to prioritize self-care activities such as exercising, taking breaks when needed, and spending time with loved ones who support you.
- Seek support from a therapist or counselor if needed: It can be helpful to work with a professional who understands the dynamics of dealing with narcissistic personality disorder.
Remember, setting healthy boundaries is an essential part of maintaining healthy relationships. Don’t be afraid to speak up for yourself and prioritize your mental well-being when dealing with a covert narcissist.
Seeking Professional Help If Needed
If you’ve been dealing with a covert narcissist, it’s important to remember that seeking professional help is always an option.
One of the benefits of working with a mental health professional is that they can help you recognize harmful patterns of behavior and equip you with tools and strategies to break free from them.
Additionally, therapy can be a safe space where you can discuss your feelings and experiences without fear of judgment or retaliation from the narcissist in your life.
Self-Care And Building Self-Esteem
Developing self-care techniques and building your self-esteem are crucial components to coping with covert narcissists. Here are some ways you can prioritize your mental health:
- Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation, such as reading a book, practicing yoga or meditation, or taking a bubble bath.
- Surround yourself with positive and supportive people who uplift and encourage you.
- Practice positive affirmations and remind yourself of your worth and value.
- Set healthy boundaries and stick to them, such as saying “no” to requests that don’t align with your needs or schedule.
- Seek therapy or counseling to help process any emotional wounds caused by the covert narcissist’s behavior.
- Find healthy outlets for expressing your emotions, like journaling or creative activities.
- Prioritize self – compassion and forgiveness towards yourself for any past mistakes or perceived shortcomings.
By focusing on self-care and building your self-esteem, you can begin to heal from the effects of being around a covert narcissist and create a more fulfilling life for yourself.
Recognizing And Acknowledging Your Own Emotions And Needs
One of the most challenging aspects of dealing with a covert narcissist is recognizing and acknowledging your own emotions and needs. Covert narcissists are skilled at manipulating and invalidating your feelings, making it difficult to trust your own instincts.
It’s important to take time for self-reflection and identify how you feel in certain situations. This can be done through journaling or talking with a trusted friend or therapist.
Once you have identified what you’re feeling, it’s important to acknowledge those emotions as valid, even if the covert narcissist tries to convince you otherwise. Learning to communicate these feelings assertively but calmly can also help establish boundaries with the narcissist.
Tips For Communicating With A Covert Narcissist
Communicating with a covert narcissist can be challenging, but it’s not impossible. Here are some tips to help you navigate these interactions:
- Keep your emotions in check: Covert narcissists thrive on emotional reactions, so stay calm and composed during conversations.
- Validate their feelings without enabling their behavior: Acknowledge their perspective, but don’t let them manipulate or guilt-trip you into giving them what they want.
- Set clear boundaries: Be firm about what you will and won’t tolerate from them, and stick to those boundaries consistently.
- Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements: For example, say “I feel hurt when you talk over me” instead of “You always interrupt me.”
- Don’t expect them to change: Narcissistic personality disorder is difficult to treat and often requires long-term therapy. Focus on managing your own behavior and reactions instead of trying to fix theirs.
- Seek support from others: Reach out to friends, family members or a therapist who can offer validation and encouragement as you navigate your relationship with the narcissist.
Remember that communicating with a covert narcissist can be exhausting and draining, so prioritize self-care and take breaks as needed to protect your own well-being.
Conclusion
Dealing with a covert narcissist can be challenging, but recognizing their language and behaviors can give you the upper hand. By understanding their subtle insults, self-praising, manipulation tactics, gaslighting and blaming techniques – you can start to set boundaries and assert yourself.
Seek professional help if needed or practice self-care by building your own self-esteem and acknowledging your own emotions and needs. Remember that communication is key when dealing with any difficult personality type, so try using some of our tips for communicating with covert narcissists.