Navigating a relationship with a narcissistic mother can be a challenging journey, marked by a barrage of phrases and behaviors that can leave you feeling confused, invalidated, or even manipulated. In this comprehensive guide, we’ll delve into 101 common statements that narcissistic mothers often use and provide you with practical, thoughtful responses to help you maintain your boundaries, self-worth, and emotional well-being.
Whether you’re seeking clarity on how to respond to gaslighting, guilt-tripping, or any other narcissistic tactic, this blog post aims to equip you with the tools to navigate these interactions with resilience and self-assurance.
101 Things Narcissistic Mothers Say (And How To Respond)
We’ve divided the things narcissistic mothers say into 10 categories. This way you can focus on the category that interests you the most.
These categories are:
- Invalidation and Gaslighting
- Projection
- Guilt-tripping
- Martyrdom
- Conditional Love
- Victim Hood
- Comparison to Siblings or Others
- Boundary Violations
- Triangulation
- Narcissistic Boasting
Now let’s look at the things narcissistic mothers say in each of these categories.
Invalidation and Gaslighting
#1. “You’re just making things up.”
How to Respond:
Stay calm and assertive. Provide evidence or examples to support your perspective and feelings. Avoid getting defensive or overly emotional.
#2. “Stop being so dramatic.”
How to Respond:
Maintain composure and express your emotions calmly. Explain why you feel the way you do, and acknowledge your emotions without allowing them to escalate.
#3. “I never said that, you must be imagining it.”
How to Respond:
If possible, provide specific instances or evidence of what was said or done. Keep a record of important conversations if necessary to support your claims.
#4. “Your feelings are irrational.”
How to Respond:
Explain that everyone has valid emotions, and it’s essential to acknowledge and address them. Express why you feel a certain way and emphasize the importance of understanding each other’s feelings.
#5. “You’re too young to understand.”
How to Respond:
Assert your right to your own perspective and feelings. Explain that age doesn’t invalidate your emotions or experiences, and you deserve to be heard and respected.
#6. “You’re remembering it all wrong.”
How to Respond:
Politely express that your memories and feelings are valid. You can suggest discussing the situation together to clarify any misunderstandings or discrepancies.
#7. “You’re just looking for attention.”
How to Respond:
Reiterate that you’re expressing your feelings and concerns genuinely, not seeking attention. Stress the importance of open communication without judgment.
#8. “You’re being paranoid.”
How to Respond:
Share your thoughts and concerns calmly. Ask for clarification if necessary and provide reasons for why you feel the way you do.
#9. “You’re imagining problems that don’t exist.”
How to Respond:
Explain the specific issues or concerns you have, providing examples if possible. Encourage a constructive conversation about resolving these concerns.
#10. “You’re being ridiculous.”
How to Respond:
Stay composed and assertive. Explain why you don’t think your concerns or feelings are ridiculous and request a respectful dialogue to address the issue.
Projection
#11. “You’re the one who’s always selfish, not me.”
How to Respond:
Maintain your composure and calmly address the accusation. Provide examples of times when you’ve acted selflessly and explain your perspective.
#12. “You’re the reason for our problems.”
How to Respond:
Express your willingness to work together to resolve issues but also clarify that blame should be shared. Encourage open communication about the challenges you both face.
#13. “You’re the narcissistic one in this family.”
How to Respond:
Politely acknowledge their opinion but remind them that narcissism is a complex issue and should be discussed professionally. Encourage a constructive conversation.
#14. “You’re just like your [negative comparison].”
How to Respond:
Stay calm and express your individuality. Explain that making comparisons doesn’t help resolve conflicts and that each person is unique.
#15. “You’re always trying to manipulate me.”
How to Respond:
Share your intentions and clarify that you’re not trying to manipulate but communicate openly. Encourage a discussion about how both parties can better understand each other’s motivations.
#16. “You’re the one who can’t take criticism.”
How to Respond:
Acknowledge your ability to accept constructive criticism but clarify that you expect it to be delivered respectfully. Encourage a more respectful approach to feedback.
#17. “You’re just jealous of my success.”
How to Respond:
Express your happiness for their success and your own goals. Emphasize that jealousy isn’t a productive or accurate description of your feelings.
#18. “You’re the one who’s constantly seeking attention.”
How to Respond:
Explain your actions and motivations honestly. Emphasize that you value attention when it’s constructive and supportive but not for its sake.
#19. “You’re the reason I’m miserable.”
How to Respond:
Express empathy and willingness to understand their feelings. Encourage a deeper conversation about the sources of their unhappiness.
#20. “You’re going to regret treating me like this one day.”
How to Respond:
Maintain boundaries and assert that your actions are driven by the need for respect and healthy communication. Avoid engaging in threats or manipulation.
Guilt-Tripping
#21. “After all I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?”
How to Respond:
Acknowledge their sacrifices but assert your boundaries. Explain that you expect respect and open communication in return for their efforts.
#22. “I sacrificed my life for you, and this is the thanks I get.”
How to Respond:
Express gratitude for their sacrifices while also emphasizing that you didn’t ask for those sacrifices. Encourage mutual respect and understanding.
#23. “You owe me for everything I’ve given you.”
How to Respond:
Acknowledge any debts, but clarify that you didn’t ask for these gifts or favors with strings attached. Discuss healthy ways to reciprocate.
#24. “I’m getting old, and you’re just making my life harder.”
How to Respond:
Express empathy for their age-related challenges but remind them that you have your own struggles too. Encourage open communication about mutual needs.
#25. “I hope you’re happy now that you’ve hurt me.”
How to Respond: Express that your actions weren’t intended to hurt them, but rather to address a concern or need. Encourage an open and respectful discussion about the situation.
#26. “You’re causing me so much stress.”
How to Respond:
Express empathy for their stress but clarify that it’s essential for both parties to manage their stress responsibly. Discuss ways to support each other.
#27. “I can’t believe you would do this to me.”
How to Respond:
Maintain composure and explain your perspective and motivations for your actions. Encourage a two-way conversation to resolve misunderstandings.
#28. “You’re breaking my heart.”
How to Respond:
Express empathy for their feelings but assert your own emotions and needs. Encourage open dialogue about the situation.
#29. “I’ll never forgive you for this.”
How to Respond:
Acknowledge their feelings but remind them that forgiveness can be a two-way process. Encourage a discussion about resolution and reconciliation.
#30. “You’re going to regret treating me like this one day.”
How to Respond:
Maintain your boundaries and express that your actions are driven by the need for respect and healthy communication. Avoid engaging in threats or manipulation.
Martyrdom
#31. “Nobody appreciates all the sacrifices I make.”
How to Respond:
Express appreciation for their efforts but encourage an open conversation about mutual appreciation within the family.
#32. “I’m the one who always has to clean up your messes.”
How to Respond:
Acknowledge their efforts but remind them that everyone should take responsibility for their actions. Discuss how responsibilities can be shared more equitably.
#33. “I’m the only one who cares about this family’s well-being.”
How to Respond:
Show gratitude for their concern but emphasize that everyone plays a role in the family’s well-being. Encourage open communication and collaboration.
#34. “I work so hard, and no one even notices.”
How to Respond:
Acknowledge their hard work and express appreciation for it. Suggest that communication and recognition within the family can be improved.
#35. “You kids just take advantage of me.”
How to Respond:
Express appreciation for their contributions but remind them that open communication about boundaries is crucial. Discuss ways to balance responsibilities.
#36. “I do everything around here, and no one helps.”
How to Respond:
Acknowledge their contributions but assert that everyone should share the workload. Suggest creating a more balanced distribution of tasks.
#37. “I’m constantly underappreciated.”
How to Respond:
Express gratitude for their efforts but emphasize that appreciation should be mutual. Discuss ways to foster a culture of gratitude in the family.
#38. “I don’t have time for myself because I’m always taking care of you.”
How to Respond:
Show understanding for their need for self-care but assert that everyone deserves personal time. Discuss how to create space for self-care while meeting responsibilities.
#39. “I have to do everything myself because no one else can.”
How to Respond:
Acknowledge their competence but assert that sharing responsibilities can benefit everyone. Discuss how to delegate tasks and promote independence.
#40. “You’re lucky to have a mother as selfless as me.”
How to Respond:
Express gratitude for their selflessness but emphasize that healthy relationships require mutual respect and understanding. Encourage open communication about family dynamics.
Conditional Love
#41. “I’ll love you more if you do what I want.”
How to Respond:
Express your desire for unconditional love and understanding. Explain that love should not be based on compliance but on mutual respect and acceptance.
#42. “If you loved me, you’d always put me first.”
How to Respond:
Clarify that love shouldn’t be measured by putting one person above all else. Emphasize the importance of balance in relationships.
#43. “I’ll only be proud of you if you meet my expectations.”
How to Respond:
Express the importance of setting your own goals and living your life authentically. Explain that their approval is appreciated but not the sole measure of success.
#44. “You need to earn my love and approval.”
How to Respond:
Assert your worthiness of love and approval just as you are. Explain that love should not be a reward for meeting someone else’s criteria.
#45. “I’ll love you as long as you never disappoint me.”
How to Respond:
Share that disappointment is a part of life, and love should remain constant even when mistakes are made. Emphasize the importance of learning and growing through experiences.
#46. “You’re only worth something to me if you make me look good.”
How to Respond:
Express that your worth isn’t tied to enhancing their image. Stress the importance of valuing each other for who you truly are.
#47. “I’ll stop loving you if you keep behaving this way.”
How to Respond:
Assert your need for unconditional love and discuss the specific behaviors or issues that concern them. Encourage open communication and problem-solving.
#48. “You’ll always be my favorite as long as you do what I say.”
How to Respond:
Emphasize that favoritism based on compliance is not healthy. Discuss the importance of treating family members equally and with respect.
#49. “I’ll be proud of you when you achieve what I couldn’t.”
How to Respond:
Express your desire to pursue your own goals and achievements, even if they differ from theirs. Clarify that their pride should be based on your unique accomplishments.
#50. “My love is conditional on your obedience.”
How to Respond:
Explain that unconditional love is healthier and more fulfilling. Encourage a discussion about love and acceptance in your relationship.
Victimhood
#51. “You’re always against me, trying to hurt me.”
How to Respond:
Express empathy for their feelings but clarify your intentions. Emphasize that your actions are not meant to harm them and encourage open communication.
#52. “Nobody cares about how much I suffer.”
How to Respond:
Acknowledge their suffering but suggest that sharing their feelings and seeking support from loved ones can be helpful. Encourage open dialogue about their needs.
#53. “Everyone is out to get me; I’m the real victim here.”
How to Respond:
Express empathy for their perspective but encourage them to consider alternative viewpoints. Encourage open discussions that consider everyone’s feelings.
#54. “You kids are driving me to an early grave.”
How to Respond:
Express empathy for their stress but clarify that everyone is responsible for managing their emotions. Encourage a discussion about coping strategies.
#55. “I can’t believe you’re treating me like this after everything I’ve been through.”
How to Respond:
Acknowledge their experiences but assert the importance of addressing current issues. Encourage open communication about their feelings and concerns.
#56. “I’m the one who’s truly suffering in this family.”
How to Respond:
Express empathy for their feelings but remind them that everyone’s experiences and struggles are valid. Encourage open communication and mutual support.
#57. “You have no idea how hard my life is.”
How to Respond:
Express empathy and a willingness to understand their perspective. Encourage open discussions about their life experiences and challenges.
#58. “I’m all alone in this world; no one supports me.”
How to Respond:
Offer your support and express that you’re willing to be there for them. Encourage open communication about how you can best support each other.
#59. “You’re making my life a living hell.”
How to Respond:
Express your commitment to improving the situation and ask for specific examples of how you’re causing distress. Encourage a constructive discussion about resolving conflicts.
#60. “I can’t catch a break because of you.”
How to Respond:
Express empathy and a desire to help them find solutions to their problems. Encourage open communication about ways to alleviate their stress.
Comparison to Siblings or Others
#61. “Why can’t you be more like your sister/brother/friend?”
How to Respond:
Express that you are an individual with your own strengths and weaknesses. Encourage a discussion about accepting each other’s unique qualities.
#62. “They always listen to their parents; you should learn from them.”
How to Respond:
Express that everyone has different parenting styles and that you appreciate your own family’s approach. Encourage a conversation about effective communication.
#63. “Your cousin is so successful; what have you done with your life?”
How to Respond:
Share your personal achievements and aspirations, emphasizing that success is measured differently for each person. Discuss your own goals and accomplishments.
#64. “Your friend is so polite and respectful; why can’t you be like that?”
How to Respond:
Acknowledge the positive qualities of your friend while explaining that you have your unique traits. Encourage a discussion about communication and personal growth.
#65. “You’re the only one who can’t get along with others.”
How to Respond:
Express your commitment to improving your relationships and ask for specific feedback. Encourage a constructive conversation about social interactions.
#66. “Look at how well-behaved [name] is compared to you.”
How to Respond:
Acknowledge that everyone has different behaviors and that comparisons may not be helpful. Discuss your own efforts to improve behavior and attitude.
#67. “Your sibling always does what I say without complaining.”
How to Respond:
Express that everyone has their own way of expressing their needs and boundaries. Encourage open communication with parents about expectations.
#68. “Your friends are so much smarter and more accomplished.”
How to Respond:
Share your own accomplishments and explain that intelligence and success are not one-size-fits-all. Discuss your goals and aspirations.
#69. “Your cousin has a real job and doesn’t waste their time like you do.”
How to Respond:
Explain your own career goals and the path you are taking. Emphasize that different people have different career trajectories.
#70. “Everyone else is so much happier than you.”
How to Respond:
Express that happiness is subjective and can’t be compared easily. Discuss your own sources of happiness and ways to improve your well-being.
Boundary Violations
#71. “I can go through your phone; I’m your mother, after all.”
How to Respond:
Politely assert your need for privacy and boundaries. Explain that trust and respect are essential in any relationship.
#72. “I can come into your room whenever I want.”
How to Respond:
Set clear boundaries for your personal space. Explain that you value your privacy and would appreciate it if they respect your room as your private space.
#73. “You don’t need personal space; we’re family.”
How to Respond:
Express that even within a family, individuals need personal space and boundaries. Emphasize the importance of mutual respect.
#74. “I’ll decide who your friends should be.”
How to Respond:
Politely assert your autonomy in choosing friends and explain that making your own decisions is a crucial part of personal growth.
#75. “I have the right to know everything about your life.”
How to Respond:
Respectfully communicate that while you value open communication, you also have a right to privacy. Discuss the boundaries of what you’re comfortable sharing.
#76. “I can control what you wear; I know what’s best for you.”
How to Respond:
Express your desire for autonomy in personal choices, including clothing. Discuss the importance of making decisions that align with your values.
#77. “You can’t keep secrets from me; I’m your mother.”
How to Respond:
Acknowledge the importance of trust in your relationship but also explain that it’s healthy to have some personal space and privacy.
#78. “You don’t need privacy; I’m just looking out for you.”
How to Respond:
Express gratitude for their concern while asserting that privacy is essential for personal development and independence.
#79. “I can make decisions for you because I know what’s right.”
How to Respond:
Politely explain that you value their guidance but also need the space to make and learn from your own decisions.
#80. “Your life is mine to manage.”
How to Respond:
Express your desire for autonomy in your life decisions while also appreciating their support and guidance.
Triangulation
#81. “Your father agrees with me; he doesn’t like your behavior either.”
How to Respond:
Encourage open and direct communication between you and your father. Avoid being drawn into triangulation and address issues with your father directly.
#82. “Your aunt told me you said some terrible things about me.”
How to Respond:
Discuss the situation with your aunt separately and clarify any misunderstandings. Encourage honest and transparent communication with all parties involved.
#83. “I heard from your teacher that you’re causing problems at school.”
How to Respond:
Request a meeting with your teacher to discuss your behavior at school directly. Encourage your mother to communicate with educators separately if needed.
#84. “Your brother thinks you’re being unreasonable.”
How to Respond:
Have a one-on-one conversation with your brother to understand his perspective. Avoid getting caught up in divisive conversations initiated by your mother.
#85. “Your friends told me they don’t like you anymore.”
How to Respond:
Reach out to your friends to discuss any concerns or misunderstandings directly. Encourage open communication between you and your friends.
#86. “I talked to your therapist, and they agree that you need to change.”
How to Respond:
Request a private conversation with your therapist to clarify their opinions and treatment goals. Ensure that your therapy sessions remain confidential.
#87. “Your grandparents think you’re a disappointment.”
How to Respond:
Communicate directly with your grandparents to understand their concerns and express your own perspective. Avoid allowing your mother to manipulate your relationship with them.
#88. “Your coach told me you’re not dedicated to your team.”
How to Respond:
Discuss your commitment to your team with your coach privately and address any concerns directly. Maintain open communication with your coach.
#89. “Your boss mentioned that you’re not a team player.”
How to Respond:
Have a conversation with your boss to understand their feedback and work on improving your performance. Keep your professional relationships separate from family dynamics.
#90. “Everyone is talking about how difficult you are.”
How to Respond:
Encourage those who express concerns to communicate with you directly. Avoid getting involved in gossip or triangulation.
Narcissistic Boasting
#91. “Look at what I’ve achieved; you should be proud of me.”
How to Respond:
Acknowledge their accomplishments but also express that your pride is based on more than just their achievements. Emphasize the importance of a deeper connection.
#92. “I’m the most successful person in our family.”
How to Respond:
Celebrate their success while also recognizing that success can be defined in various ways. Encourage a discussion about the diversity of achievements within the family.
#93. “I’m the best mother anyone could have; you’re lucky.”
How to Respond:
Express appreciation for their efforts as a parent but emphasize that the quality of the parent-child relationship goes beyond self-proclamation. Encourage open and loving communication.
#94. “People always compliment me on my looks.”
How to Respond:
Acknowledge their beauty but remind them that true beauty is not just physical. Encourage discussions about inner qualities and character.
#95. “I’m the center of attention at every event I go to.”
How to Respond:
Celebrate their ability to socialize but also express that the focus should shift from external attention to meaningful connections with others.
#96. “I have a huge following on social media because I’m so amazing.”
How to Respond:
Acknowledge their social media success but encourage humility and authenticity in their online presence. Emphasize that online popularity doesn’t define a person’s worth.
#97. “I’ve accomplished so much more than anyone else I know.”
How to Respond:
Celebrate their achievements while reminding them that everyone’s life journey is unique, and accomplishments can’t be compared directly. Encourage empathy for others’ experiences.
#98. “I’m always the most attractive person in the room.”
How to Respond:
Acknowledge their self-confidence but emphasize that attractiveness is subjective and based on personal preferences. Encourage discussions about self-esteem beyond physical appearance.
#99. “I’m the smartest person in this family; everyone knows it.”
How to Respond:
Acknowledge their intelligence but remind them that each family member has their unique strengths and talents. Encourage an appreciation for diversity within the family.
#100. “I don’t blame people for being jealous of me.”
How to Respond:
Acknowledge their self-assuredness but emphasize that fostering jealousy isn’t a healthy or productive approach. Encourage discussions about building positive relationships.
#101. “I don’t need anyone’s approval; I’m perfect just the way I am.”
How to Respond:
Acknowledge their self-confidence but gently remind them that seeking meaningful connections and understanding are essential aspects of human relationships. Emphasize that no one is perfect, and growth and self-awareness are ongoing processes that can benefit everyone.
Closing Thoughts
Dealing with a narcissistic mother can be emotionally taxing, but remember, you are not alone. By recognizing these common phrases and learning how to respond assertively, you are taking steps toward reclaiming your sense of self and setting healthier boundaries.
It’s crucial to prioritize your well-being, seek support when needed, and remember that you deserve love, respect, and understanding in your relationships. While these phrases shed light on the tactics often used by narcissistic mothers, your journey towards healing and personal growth is unique. Embrace it with self-compassion, and know that there is hope for healthier, more fulfilling relationships in your future.