Narcissistic Personality Disorder, a condition characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy, often leads to toxic and manipulative relationships. If you’ve ever been in a relationship with a narcissist, you may have experienced the rollercoaster of emotions that comes with it. One of the most perplexing aspects is the narcissist’s behavior after discarding you. Why do they seem to worry or obsess over you even after ending the relationship?
In this article, we will delve deep into the psychology of narcissism and explore ten reasons why the narcissist worries after discarding you. Understanding these motives can help you make sense of the chaos and find healing and peace on your journey to recovery. Let’s begin by exploring the narcissistic cycle of abuse.
Understanding the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse
Narcissistic relationships often follow a predictable cycle that includes idealization, devaluation, discard, and sometimes hoovering. To grasp why the narcissist worries after discarding you, it’s crucial to comprehend this cycle in detail. Let’s break it down:
Idealization
At the start of a narcissistic relationship, the narcissist puts you on a pedestal. They shower you with affection, admiration, and attention, making you feel like the most special person in the world. This idealized phase can be intoxicating, as the narcissist seems perfect and attentive.
Devaluation
As the relationship progresses, the narcissist’s true colors start to emerge. They may become increasingly critical, controlling, and emotionally distant. This phase, known as devaluation, leaves you feeling confused, hurt, and undeserving of their love.
Discard
Eventually, the narcissist may discard you abruptly, leaving you devastated and wondering what went wrong. This is when the real turmoil begins, and it’s also when their worries about losing you may intensify.
Hoovering (Optional)
In some cases, after discarding you, the narcissist may attempt to “hoover” you back into the relationship. They use manipulation, promises of change, guilt and other tactics to lure you back in, further complicating the situation.
Now that we’ve established the stages of the narcissistic cycle, let’s dive into why the narcissist worries after discarding you in the next section.
Why the Narcissist Worries After Discarding You
Understanding the narcissistic cycle of abuse sets the stage for comprehending why narcissists worry after discarding their victims. Let’s delve deeper into each reason behind their anxieties:
#1. Fear of Losing Control
Narcissists thrive on maintaining control in their relationships. They often use manipulation tactics to keep you under their influence. When they discard you, this control is suddenly relinquished, leaving them in a state of unease. The fear of losing control over your emotions, actions, and thoughts can be overwhelming for them.
For instance, they might worry that you’ll regain your independence, make decisions without their input, or even find a healthier relationship. This fear is a driving force behind their post-discard anxieties.
#2. Threat of Losing Narcissistic Supply
Narcissistic supply refers to the attention, admiration, and validation that narcissists need to feed their inflated egos. After discarding you, they face the very real threat of their primary source of supply seeking it elsewhere. This prospect terrifies them, as it means they might have to confront their inner emptiness and insecurity.
Narcissists are incredibly needy when it comes to their supply, and the thought of someone else fulfilling that role can be deeply unsettling for them. They worry about feeling insignificant or unimportant, which is a stark contrast to their idealized self-image.
#3. Fear of Abandonment
Ironically, narcissists who discard others often have an intense fear of abandonment themselves. This fear fuels their behavior throughout the relationship and intensifies after the discard. They project this fear onto you, making it difficult for them to cope with the possibility of being abandoned in return.
When you assert your independence or show signs of moving on, it triggers their abandonment fears, leading to heightened anxiety and even desperation to regain your attention.
#4. Ego Injury
Narcissists have a fragile sense of self. Their inflated ego is a façade that masks deep-seated insecurities and vulnerabilities. After discarding you, if they witness you moving on and thriving without them, it injures their already fragile ego.
They worry that you no longer need them or that they were not as indispensable as they believed. This ego injury can be a significant source of distress for them, leading to obsessive thoughts and attempts to regain your attention.
#5. Loss of a Trophy
Narcissists often view their partners as extensions of themselves, sometimes as trophies or status symbols. After discarding you, they fear losing this perceived status symbol and the image they’ve carefully cultivated.
For example, if you were the embodiment of their ideal partner, they worry that their social or self-worth will decrease without you by their side. This fear is rooted in their need to be constantly validated and admired.
#6. Control Over the Narrative
Narcissists like to control how they are perceived by others. They are masters at maintaining a facade of charm and perfection. After discarding you, they worry that you might share your experiences and expose their toxic behavior to others.
This fear of the truth coming to light can be a potent source of anxiety for them. They may go to great lengths to maintain their carefully crafted image, even resorting to smear campaigns or gaslighting to undermine your credibility.
#7. Fear of Not Regaining Control
Narcissists often believe they can win back those they discard. They may view the discard as a temporary setback and assume that you will eventually come back to them. If they see you moving forward and thriving without them, they fear that they may never regain the control and influence they desire over you.
This fear of permanent separation can drive them to extreme measures, including hoovering and manipulation, in their attempts to reel you back into the relationship.
#8. Fear of Consequences (Legal, Reputational, etc.)
In some cases, narcissists may worry about the consequences of their actions. This could include legal repercussions for their abusive behavior or damage to their reputation if their toxic actions are exposed.
For instance, if their abusive behavior has crossed legal boundaries, they might fear legal action being taken against them. Additionally, the thought of their reputation being tarnished can be deeply troubling, especially if they have carefully curated a public persona.
#9. Loss of a Backup Option
Narcissists often keep backup options for supply. These backup options serve as a safety net in case their primary source of supply fails them. After discarding you, they may worry about losing these backup options as well.
This fear of losing their safety net can lead to increased anxiety, as they realize they may not have an immediate source of supply to fall back on if their current pursuits do not yield the desired results.
#10. Uncertainty About the Future
Narcissists dislike uncertainty. They prefer to have a clear plan and predictability in their lives. After discarding you, they may worry about what their future will look like without you in it, even if they no longer want to be with you.
The uncertainty about their own lives, combined with the fear of your potential success and happiness without them, can be a source of significant anxiety for narcissists.
Closing Thoughts
In the world of narcissistic relationships, understanding why the narcissist worries after discarding you is like unlocking the mysteries of a complex puzzle. Their fears and anxieties, deeply rooted in their fragile sense of self and insatiable need for control, shed light on the tumultuous aftermath of a discard.
If you’ve been a victim of a narcissistic relationship, it’s essential to prioritize your healing and well-being. Seek support from a therapist, build strong boundaries, and embark on a journey of self-love and forgiveness. Remember, you are not alone, and there is a path to peace, happiness, and growth after surviving the chaos of a narcissistic bond.